As a gymnast I suppose you could say that I spent a lot of
my life facing fears. Flipping on 4 inch surfaces, performing in front of
judges… in a leotard of all things, coming back after injuries etc. Gymnastics
is a sport for the fearless. However, Peace Corps is a totally different
experience when it comes to fear. I suppose this is because in gymnastics, if
you get too scared, you can choose not do whatever it is you’re scared of. You
can pick your skills that eventually go into your routines. However, in PC
life, situations are kind of thrown at you and then it’s either sink or swim.
Here are some fears/struggles and coping mechanisms I’ve been working with
lately:
1)
Fear: Loneliness and the rest of the world
moving on without you.
This particular fear is my number one only
because sometimes I feel pretty damn isolated. I find myself constantly talking
about people back home, so much so that I feel like my community knows who all
my family and best friends are. They always ask me when people are going to
come and visit me and it’s difficult to explain that it’s not super easy or
inexpensive for Americans to just hop on a plane and come and see me. As I talk
about everyone back home, I just can’t help but feel like I’ve probably been
somewhat forgotten. I speak of times that have passed and every time I look at
my Facebook Newsfeed I see so many pictures of what is going on back home without
me. As much as I try to keep in touch with people, there is nothing like the
presence of being next to someone in real life. I fear that sometimes I’ll get
back and have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I know these fears are
extreme, but they’re honest and I suppose that’s part of fear anyway, having
negative feelings toward a result that will likely never occur.
Coping Mechanism: I spend a lot of time
giving myself pats on the back for learning to be alone. At the same time, I do
my best to fill my life with optimism and hope. And what I’ve really been
working on is allowing myself to just be. If that makes sense… There are a lot
of things I can’t control in this world, but my own brain (luckily) is one of
the things I can control. Do I want to spend my entire Peace Corps career being
butthurt that people in America don’t miss me as much as I want them to?
Absolutely not. I want to enjoy this time so that when I get home I can share
my new additional life experiences with the people I love. It’s a good life
lesson because if you’re lucky, you won’t always be living in the same place as
you grew up in. You’ll get out there and meet some new people and experience some
new cultures—even if it’s just one city over. You won’t always be surrounded by
the same people, and therefore, your communication with your social circle will
change. Learning to deal with that can be difficult, but it’s extremely important.
Even when it’s hard, at the end of the
day I’m always glad to be here doing whatever it is I’m doing—despite how far I
am from the people I love and miss.
2)
Fear: Finally getting comfortable/used to
something and then having it be taken away from you.
This shit…this shit is just annoying, and
isn’t it just how life goes. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, the weather
etc. things always seem to shake themselves up once you get into a groove. My
new counterpart has certainly thrown me for a loop. She is an incredibly nice
lady, but her English is…uhhh…rusty (I’m being nice). She is from Korca, but
she got married to a man in Lac and had a baby right after getting married. She
is sad because she misses her family and home and has no friends, except for me
I guess. The students are all really mean to her, and my colleagues aren’t much
nicer. It’s definitely a difficult situation, but I guess Peace Corps wasn’t
supposed to be easy. Though I keep trying to make it that way…
Coping Mechanism: First I turned to running…then
alcohol… Then I took a vacation to Istanbul—and ate massive amounts of food.
Uh, so yeah I guess you could say I went a little backwards on that one, but
whatever. My coping mechanism now is to focus on all of the other things here
that make me happy and to embrace every moment where a smile meets my face
naturally. I also just laugh a lot when the stressful things happen because
often times when I get angry I picture looking at myself from someone else’s
perspective and there’s really nothing funnier than watching a tiny 4’10 woman
getting pissed off and yelling nonsense in a mix of 2 languages. Also, I
realize I’m only here for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like it’s like watching a
hamster in a cage and observing its emotional reactions to various tests.
3)
Fear: Being around strangers and creepy people.
I spent my entire adolescence being afraid
of strangers. I suffered from paranoia and the fact that I roam around, get
into cars with strangers, and strike up conversations with random people
strictly out of boredom is kind of odd. It’s cool though. We’ve all seen “Taken”
and of course I’m in Albania—without Liam—so you’d think I’d be setting myself
up for all sorts of kidnappings and interactions with scary people. Being
around strangers and creepy people in a foreign country can be really scary.
Seriously, who is going to save you when it’s just you and a scary man in a
dark alley…or vehicle? I always carry pepper spray and a knife on me, but as a
little woman, I think man with a gun would always win.
Coping Mechanism: The truth is I have had
some bad interactions with creepers here. However, I have reacted extremely
well when they’ve occurred. As opposed to freezing up or panicking, I’ve been
very calm and in charge of my thoughts. It helps. I believe there is something
to be said for being someone who finds strength in times of fear. A very
direct: “No thank you. Please stop you’re making me uncomfortable” comes of a
lot better than a shaky “umm..excuse me..but uh…” and trying to wiggle yourself
away from the situation. Speaking up for yourself, remaining calm, and being
direct is the best way for me to handle creepers. Also, trying to avoid those situations
in the first place; the preemptive strike is an even better way to go.
4)
Fear: Getting lost.
I am the master of getting lost. I can
remember the first time I got lost driving around in California I somehow got
all the way to Stinson Beach from the center of San Francisco. There was no
cell phone reception and I was super scared. There’s a feeling of “I’m never
going to make it home” that hits you when you’re lost. Maybe that feeling is why
people feel lost in many different ways.
Coping Mechanism: Embrace the chaos. So you
get lost… big deal. Maybe you feel like
you’ll never find your way back, but that is a silly and false feeling. If that
guy from Man Vs. Wild can find his way back to civilization, then I can find my
way back from… a capital city surrounded by people. I have begun to see getting
lost as more of an adventure and a fun piece of life. Often times, I feel lost
in life here, but that’s cool. I find comfort in knowing there’s always going
to be a way to get where I’m going.
